Remember to Dream
By Tori Goddard, Guest Contributor
Dreams have always made such vivid sense to me. The dreams that you have when you're sleeping, the ones that not everyone remembers when they wake up in the morning. I understood. I always understood.
It may sound weird, but in a sense, I connected more with my dreams that I did reality. And I say this with a very important point: Sometimes we have to dream to see reality. Sometimes reality is not clear until our dreams are.
It has taken me sometime to try to figure out why dreams, why dreams? Now, to me, yoga is honestly one of my best dreams now. My best reality dream. Because yoga is so real. Yoga is so freaking real. I never leave a class feeling dissatisfied or discouraged. I never feel like I did something wrong or have regrets for taking a class.
For the longest time, my eating disorder recovery never felt as good or real as a dream, because it never seemed to make any sense. It all started in 2013; seeing myself in a way that I never thought to see myself. I started to doubt myself, and the body I was in, and the food that I was eating.
Remembering how fast my body started to disappear, and how quickly my mind was disintegrating, gives me an awestruck feeling of overwhelming pain.
My mind was full of comparison. Picking and poking at my food because the person next to me wasn't even eating. Always feeling the need to be reassured by someone around me.
I overthought EVERYTHING. I mean everything. Everything was a big deal to me, and there was always a reason to have anxiety about it. I worried ALL of the time. I was unsettled, I was full of turmoil, I was scared, and I felt so alone.
I tell you all these things because in eating disorder recovery, many of these things don't ever seem to get mentioned. I feel like when you hear about eating disorder recovery, you only hear about the thoughts around food and body image, and not many people talk about the real reason eating disorders develop in the first place, some related causes being anxiety, depression, trauma, and PTSD.
I had always done yoga. When I was little, I remember going with my mom to her yoga classes, stretching, bending, laughing, falling, getting back up, and doing it again. But it was not until after three times in treatment and 10 years later that yoga became a home for my body.
I vividly remember the class that I took that still to this day has me shaken, not because it was hard, but because of the tension that was being released. It was a freeing moment of seeing the long journey ahead and knowing that I am going in the right direction.
The benefits of my yoga practice did not happen right away, I am going to be completely honest. For quite a while I was still anxious, worrisome, fearful, depressed, and in turn still very much in my eating disorder. Still, I stayed consistent because I had a good feeling that my practice was going to seriously take me somewhere.
And it has. I can tell you that.
I am sharing my yoga journey because I feel that in these past few months, I have come to notice incredible things about my mind, my body, and my soul. I feel aligned, so raw, so pure, and so free. For so long I felt tied down by ropes that only I saw, so no one, no matter how hard they tried, could get me out. It was up to me to find out how the heck I was supposed to set myself free.
Fast forward to today, many yoga classes, journals, workbooks, and whatever the heck else I did later, I see yoga in the most beautiful light possible. I realized that yoga is a dream to me, because dreams are so real, and yoga is so real. I realized that yoga means recovery, and now I see that my recovery is a dream because it finally feels real.
You see, dreams will always be something that I keep track of and pay attention to because they have served a good purpose over the years. A very important purpose. A purpose that has allowed my life to unfold in a different form than if I would have unfolded it myself.
And if my dreams feel so real to me, wouldn't that mean they are full of truth and light? So, it was not until my recovery became pure truth and honesty, that it became a dream.
I have learned to respect my bodies' boundaries.
I have learned to breathe with my body rather than against it.
I have released tension and pain that prevented me from ever reaching full healing.
So, dream my friends.
Whatever you need to do to make your life feel more like a dream.
I am the owner of Down To Herbs all organic handmade body care products, dressage rider, yogi, and big entrepreneur!! My eating disorder started when I was 13, and recovery is what really pushed me into celebrating every moment of life. I want nothing but the best for others, and to help them find their true essence, purpose, and fulfilling passion that enables their heart to do more than they thought they ever could. I am so grateful for my healing journey and hope that it inspires others as well.