Storyteller: Practicing Ahimsa in Eating Disorder Recovery

By Kelley Rae Unger, Guest Contributor

I’ll always remember the day my yoga teacher asked me if I thought of myself as a violent person. I’d been struggling with chronic injuries, working through pain in unhealthy ways and, until then, it had never occurred to me that “violent” was something I could be toward myself. Violence was something one directed at others, it was to cause harm to other living beings. I was a kind person, gentle even, certainly not a violent one.

Since then, I’ve learned that there are many ways in which we can be violent toward ourselves. When we do things like criticize our bodies, use harsh words with ourselves, push ourselves too hard, and deprive ourselves of nourishment of body or spirit, we are violent. “Ahimsa,” the yogic Yama of non-violence, has been a key aspect of my eating disorder recovery but, being one who prefers things described as what they are rather than what they’re not, I approach Ahimsa as the Yama of kindness and self-love. By the time I had that conversation with my teacher, I had already developed a much healthier relationship with food, but it turned out my mind-body connection wasn’t entirely healed.

Although I’ve been in recovery from anorexia for over 20 years, more recently yoga has helped me better understand and move farther along the path that leads from self-violence to self-love. The day I was asked to own that I was a violent person was a reminder that recovery is an ongoing journey, and I still had some work to do. Like anything else, real kindness and self-love take practice. The challenge of this practice, perhaps especially for those of us with an eating disorder history, is that the practice is never going to make perfect, and accepting that fact is part of healing.

When we learn to look at ourselves with compassionate eyes, we know that we can be deeply flawed, make mistakes, and still be enough.

Ahimsa is a choice we get to make because we live from a place of awareness. It’s an extension of presence, and something I cultivate in many ways including meditation, yoga, and writing. Meditation is where I get to know myself better. What supports me? What do I need today? What do I feel? Practice of this deeper awareness allows me to redirect negative thought patterns and behaviors in my day-to-day life. Conscious practice of connection gives me the power of choice.

The asana portion of my yoga practice is an immersion and a thank you. First, this practice helps me tune into the needs of my body. When I feel pain or discomfort, instead of pushing through, I try to listen and adjust accordingly. I do my best to practice with a foundation of kindness. In addition, my practice is one of gratitude for the amazingness of my body and all it does to support me each day.

Finally, writing. Writing is an extension of my meditation practice. When I write I hear the things I didn’t know I was saying, and when I sit in meditation I feel them. It’s a practice of process. I’ve been writing far longer than I’ve been doing yoga, and it’s one of my best tools for meeting myself where I am.

Even writing this blog post is an Ahimsa practice for me. One of the most difficult aspects of my eating disorder was the shame I carried with me into my recovery, and if I’m being deeply honest, part of my writing process here was facing the fact that a piece of me felt really unsure, as though I wasn’t qualified to tell my own story.

But here’s the power of sharing stories: Every time I tell my story, I let some of that shame go. When we choose recovery, we choose not just life but living. In writing this article, my words are heartbeats that all say the same thing: “My story matters. My story matters. My story matters.” And yours does too.

Kelley Rae Unger is a yoga teacher based in Topsfield, MA. She has a passion for teaching classes that are accessible, inclusive, and that offer opportunities for deeper mind-body connection. A former librarian, Kelley has a lifelong love of words and literature, and also enjoys a deep connection with nature and the outdoors. Connect with Kelley on Instagram or on her website www.wingsandwordsyoga.com.